I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
