My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
tequila makes me forget i have legs
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
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