His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Randomize
