atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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