i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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