And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
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