I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
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