how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
someone owes me an orgasm
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Randomize
