Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
