She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
