OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
