were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
a search helicopter?!
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Randomize
