im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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