I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
