A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
