Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
