Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
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