at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
