ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
