my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I seem to have left my pride at pride
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Randomize
