Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Randomize
