Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night