bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
