she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
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By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
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I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket