we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I want her autograph on my taint
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
