I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
