I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
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Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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