When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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