Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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