When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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