around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
