i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
