so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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