i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
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