Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
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