It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
