Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
