you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
