Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
My penis needs a shock collar
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
