Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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