tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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