Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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