I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
