Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Randomize
