I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
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