Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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