I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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