Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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