I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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