I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
