Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Randomize
