I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
