he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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