Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
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She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
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I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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